


i just want you back

by SleepJeongin



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, BUT THERES NO ACTUAL SEX, Boys Kissing, Broken Promises, Character Death, Check the TWs in the notes, Death, Dick mention, Friendship, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Non-Idol AU, Referenced blowjob, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, ass mention too, hyunjin top, its a magical one tho, just referenced, not very explicit tho dw, seungmin botton, slight implied self harm, sorry for so many suicide tags its just a warning, this sounds like a mess but just read the fic plz, through a lake lol, time travelling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:09:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29415405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepJeongin/pseuds/SleepJeongin
Summary: Hyunjin would do anything to know why Seungmin left him.And that leads him to risk his life to travel through portals, desperate for an answer.But everything falls apart, because when does anything go right in life?
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Kudos: 3





	i just want you back

**Author's Note:**

> english isn't my first language so i apologize for any possible mistakes :"))
> 
>  **!!! trigger warning in advance for:**  
>  suicide, death, implied self-harm and referenced sexual content
> 
> [there will be specific tws in the beginning notes of each chapter!]

All Hyunjin wanted was to have Seungmin back.

Hyunjin sat at the top of a nearby hill, the gentle wind ruffling his hair. With fingers running through the grass beneath him, he closed his eyes and sighed. It had been nearly a year since he and the other went in separate ways.

Well, that was just a nice way of saying they broke up.

Or, Seungmin left him, despite promising Hyunjin that they'd stay together forever.

So for nearly a year, Hyunjin lived in pain. Sure, they had fought countless times before, but he was certain that they'd realize their wrongs and rebuild their friendship. This time though? He could never forget Seungmin's last words that constantly haunted his head.

_No, we're not going to talk again._

Hyunjin remembered that day so clearly.

He remembered crying, howling, wheezing, _begging_ Seungmin to not leave him. He remembered Seungmin giving him one last cold look before running out the door. He remembered jabbing broken glass into his skin, wanting to wake up from the mess he hoped was just a nightmare.

But it wasn't, and Hyunjin knew.

He knew it so well.

So why did it hurt so much to admit the truth?

Other people wouldn't understand why Hyunjin was so heartbroken from a shattered friendship. They were just friends, weren't they? Everyone goes through plenty of series of having to leave friends behind. So why was it such a big deal to him?

Because no one understood how much Seungmin meant to him.

Seungmin was his happiness, his universe, his sunshine, his mood maker, his reason to live. Before meeting him, Hyunjin never knew what it felt like to be happy. He eventually developed himself to think that Seungmin was his happiness. He'd be happy if Seungmin was, and he'd be happy whenever he was around. So being friends with Seungmin meant that he'd be happy every day.

He soon enough got used to feeling that warmth in his heart and his lips curling into a smile whenever he was with Seungmin. But sometimes, he'd be so happy that he was worried that his happiness would be taken away. He voiced his worries to none other than his everything - Kim Seungmin - who assured him that he would never leave Hyunjin, even if he was being forced to.

And he believed him.

Was it the fact that he broke a promise that hurt the most?

Or was it the fact that he got Hyunjin's hopes up and then shattered them right in front of his eyes?

Or maybe it was because he himself chose to leave Hyunjin.

Ever since that day, Hyunjin never smiled again. Smiling reminded him of Seungmin. Actually, everything reminded him of Seungmin. He couldn't go to the store without breaking down whenever he came across eggs, which were Seungmin's favourite food. He couldn't even get good grades anymore because Seungmin was a perfect student with perfect grades. And now, his heart ached because playing in the grass was something Seungmin loved to do.

He tried archiving his previous text conversations with Seungmin because they would make his heart weak and his eyes water whenever he accidentally read them (or purposely; there was no doubt that he missed him). But every hour, Hyunjin would go back and unarchive them, reading every single text he sent and childishly hope that Seungmin would contact him again.

But Seungmin said he wouldn't, and he stuck to his words.

That meant that Hyunjin would never see Seungmin's cute little good morning and good night texts paired with emoticons pop up in his sea of notifications ever again.

That wasn’t the worst though. Hyunjin just wanted to hear his steady and comforting breath beside him again. He just wanted to have him back.

Oh, why did he always have to ruin everything? Did he ruin everything? Was it even his fault? Hyunjin didn't know, but all he knew was to blame himself for everything so that there wouldn't be any further conflict as to whose fault it was.

Sometimes, Hyunjin wished that he never felt happy so that he wouldn't be in this much pain when the happiness faded away.

..

..

Luckily, he still had something that belonged to Seungmin. It was a small, golden retriever plushie that Seungmin used to carry around with him everywhere, and it smelled like him too. Now, Hyunjin cuddled with the plushie - which Seungmin named Daengmo - at all times yet kept it in astonishing shape. He would care for Daengmo like how someone would care for a delicate baby, imagining that Daengmo was Seungmin.

His other friends and relatives asked him if it was a replacement for Seungmin, but he replied with a certain 'no'. No one could replace Seungmin. He was the most special person in the world and he was undoubtedly irreplaceable. 

Honestly, Hyunjin wished he had Seungmin to cuddle with in his arms as he did with Daengmo, but he was now nothing more than a distant memory. He wished he could hold Seungmin close and apologize for eternity, but that was far beyond the possibilities of life.

Seungmin wouldn't be coming back to him.

So he would go to Seungmin instead.

In the dark, secrecy of the night, Hyunjin slipped on a grey hoodie, a pair of sweatpants and some shoes - the fit he was wearing on that day - and crept out of his house, praying that his parents wouldn’t wake up.

Hyunjin had never done something like that before, and he knew he'd get in a hell lot of trouble, but he had to talk to Seungmin again, no matter what.

Nothing was going to stop him. Not this time.

"I'm pretty sure sneaking out of your house at night without your parents' consent is illegal," Hyunjin chuckled to himself under his breath to ease his worries. He was all alone, running down the boardwalk that made a creaking sound whenever the soles of his shoes met with the old, wooden planks. That was the only sound apparent in the silent night air.

Hyunjin could hear his heart beating in his ears. He was going to try something new. Something that'll bring him to Seungmin.

After a bit of jogging, Hyunjin arrived at the lake - the one that all the storytellers claimed to be magical - and stood at the edge, staring at the ripples of water glistening from the moonlight. He could feel the water seep into the front of his shoes, the coldness bleeding to his bones, but that was tame compared to what he was about to do.

"Seungminnie, wait for me, I'm coming," he announced into the distance with no one to hear him.

He took a deep breath and jumped into the lake.

The so-called magical lake was supposed to take him into the past, to any event he thought of. Hyunjin focused on recalling that day, but the freezing water made it hard to do anything. Hyunjin grasped onto the last bits of his memories, but the water tugged at them more forcefully than he held onto.

He felt so energy-drained, and Hyunjin was nearly about to give up and try again next time, when everything around him began to glow so brightly that all he could see was blinding white.

"H- hello?!" Hyunjin yelled, his voice echoing through the endless space of whiteness. Nausea hit him like a brick in response.

His first instinct was to clutch his stomach and pray that he could hold everything in, but- he couldn't move. His body felt so stiff and uncomfortably strange, and it wouldn't listen to the commands his brain gave. He felt like he was parting from his body.

After floating miserably for a while, despite the extreme brightness, he started to feel drowsier and drowsier, his eyelids drooping...

Hyunjin fell asleep.

..

..

Hyunjin woke up to the sound of metal clanking. His eyes opened, then immediately shut again after being exposed to the unexpected light. He tried once again, taking time to get used to his surroundings that were oddly _pale._ The first thing he noticed was how bleak and dull the furniture in the house was.

_Wait._

Whose house was he in?

After some simple scanning, he began to feel a special connection to the property. It felt so familiar to him, but he just couldn't remember. That was until he spotted a boy with glasses mixing something in a bowl standing behind the obviously grey kitchen counter.

_Seungmin??_

Hyunjin wanted to run up to him and pull him into a neverending embrace, but then he realized that Seungmin wasn't aware that Hyunjin was in his house yet. Hyunjin from the future.

The situation though, felt so familiar. What was happening then?

Oh right.

_It was that day._

Anxiety began to brew in Hyunjin's stomach as he knew what was about to happen. They were at Hyunjin's old house for a sleepover, and they planned to bake some chocolate chip cookies for a nighttime snack. And of course, Seungmin was the one making them. He was the good kid, and Hyunjin was the bad one who avoided having to do all the work.

But Hyunjin remembered his old house. It wasn't grey; in fact, it was one of the most colourfully decorated houses on the block. Then why was everything practically black-and-white?

Instead, a sound snapped him out of his thoughts. The door slammed, and that's when Hyunjin realized everything.

It was about to happen.

He knew that day like the back of his hand.

The past Hyunjin was supposed to walk in and yank the metal bowl away from Seungmin then eat the raw cookie dough that was inside - the cookie dough that Seungmin spent so much time and effort on, wanting to make Hyunjin satisfied. 

Oh, so it _was_ Hyunjin's fault.

B- but- Seungmin promised him that he wouldn't ever leave even if he was the most annoying person in the world, which he confidently said 'no' to when Hyunjin asked him if he was.

So was it Seungmin's fault instead?

Everything was so confusing and Hyunjin felt even more overwhelmed. But that wasn't important.

He was given the chance to go back in time and change the past for the better. He was supposed to do it now, do it before it's too late.

But Hyunjin had no idea what to do.

How could he fix everything so that Seungmin wouldn't have left him?

Was he not supposed to eat the cookie dough? But he regularly did things like that and Seungmin never minded.

Spending too much time thinking, the events began to unroll.

The past Hyunjin strolled in, and Hyunjin couldn't help but notice how different he looked. He used to have jet black hair that lazily covered his eyes, whereas he now had long, blonde hair that was neatly parted.

And then the past him spoke, "Hey Seung, did 'ja finish making 'em?" The current Hyunjin cringed.

_Wait. Hold up._

As soon as he spoke, the room began to regain its colour, and a wave of nostalgia came over Hyunjin immediately at the sight of his old house.

Wait, but... does that mean Hyunjin was the one that brought colour into Seungmin's once black-and-white world?

That was heartwarming to know, but not enough to suppress the whirlpool of anxiety running loose inside of him.

"Err, no, not yet," Seungmin replied, not looking up at him. "Mhm, let me see," Past Hyunjin pressed, waving his hand as a signal for Seungmin to show him. "Uhh-" the other boy mumbled, reluctant to give the bowl to Hyunjin.

Then it happened.

The past Hyunjin snatched the bowl away from Seungmin and scooped up the carefully-made dough aggressively with his bare hands, and shoved all of it into his mouth delightfully.

Seungmin stared at him, horrified. His hands were positioned in a way as if he was still holding the bowl. As if Hyunjin never took it away from him.

The current Hyunjin wanted to slap him in the face. God, couldn't he tell how much effort he put into making the dough??

Now, it was Seungmin's time to speak. "Hyunjin-hyung," he started, closing his eyes. The honorific sent a shiver down Hyunjin's spine. Since the two were close with each other, they ended up dropping the honorifics and decided to call each other whatever they wanted. Seungmin only used honorifics when he was especially pissed. 

"I can't do this anymore," he continued, finally letting his arms drop to his sides. "Oh ho, are you gonna kay why ess?" The past Hyunjin teased, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. As he now struggled with suicidal thoughts and knew how serious it was, the current Hyunjin had the biggest urge to dropkick him to hell. Even though he knew (or thought) Seungmin wasn't suicidal in the least, death, especially suicide, was not to be joked about.

"No," Seungmin hissed at him, stepping away from the kitchen counter. "I can't be with you anymore." Those 6 words made both Hyunjins freeze. There wasn't anything to be joked about anymore. "W-What?" He repeated, "What??" He searched his face for any sign of a joke, but he was met with a blank face instead.

"I can't stay anymore," Seungmin confirmed, making his way to the door, "I'm sorry." Hearing him apologize was what made Hyunjin realize how serious he was being.

Oh no.

This was when past Hyunjin starts crying.

 _No no no no no,_ current Hyunjin panicked to himself, squeezing his eyes shut and covering his ears. _I can't watch this._

_Please, please, get me out of here. Take me anywhere but here, please._

Like his wish was answered, Hyunjin's surroundings began to glow again, and past Hyunjin's cries felt so distant and softened.

He closed his eyes. _Take me to Seungmin, just Seungmin,_ he whispered.

Hyunjin opened his eyes again, but a new room awaited him.

He was gingerly sitting on a white couch and a green tea coloured rug rested beneath his feet. _Huh,_ Hyunjin thought to himself, _this is a really nice house._

Gently tapping his right foot on the perfectly polished wooden floor, he hummed a little tune to pass the time.

He stopped when he heard footsteps coming.

Coming from the left corner of the room that Hyunjin sat in, a boy sauntered down the stairs with a gleeful smile present on his face. In his arm, he held a Shiba Inu plushie that he seemed quite proud of.

How could Hyunjin not recognize him?

It seemed like the other recognized Hyunjin too, because his smile immediately fell when he spotted him. 

"Ah-" Seungmin cut himself off, turning around to go back up the stairs. "Wait, Seungmin!" Hyunjin called after him. He was so close to him, he couldn't let his chance slip away again.

Hyunjin ran up to the boy and wrapped his arms around him tightly, afraid to let him go. He knew it was wrong, but why did it feel so right? He shouldn’t be doing this but he couldn’t stop.

Hyunjin buried his face into the crook of Seungmin's neck and whispered into his shirt, "W-Why did... you l-l-leave me...?" He didn't even bother holding back his tears. Nearly a year of bottled-up emotions flowed freely out of him, a sob escaping along with the tears.

For a solid six seconds, Seungmin let the other cry into his shoulder before slipping out from under his grasp. Slowly, he began to drift away from him, just like that day once again.

Hyunjin felt so cold and bare without Seungmin's warmth protecting him.

"Do you not understand?" Seungmin asked coldly. "We- Us- it's not going to work out. We can't be together." Within a matter of seconds, he was at the door again.

“N-No no no no,” Hyunjin pleaded, dropping to his knees and clutching Seungmin’s legs, “Please stay, please. That’s all I’ll ever ask for. _Please._ ” When he saw that the younger didn’t make any intentions of staying, he sobbed, “You promised! You promised you would never leave me. You can’t go…”

Seungmin sighed and adjusted his glasses. With a heavy heart, he spoke: “I know I promised. But I’m sorry I can’t fulfill it ‘till the end.” He looked down at the mess beneath him. “You can choose to not forgive me; that’s okay. I’m sorry I have to do this.”

With a simple motion, he pulled his leg away from Hyunjin’s grasp and swiftly walked out the door, his delicate face meeting with the chilly, night weather.

Picking himself up, Hyunjin wiped his tears on his sleeves, sniffled, and got up and went after the boy.

Upon hearing the elder’s footsteps trailing behind him, Seungmin picked up the pace and began running. “Hey! Wait up!” Hyunjin called from behind him. Of course, he ignored him and continued running.

Seungmin’s vision was blurry; were there tears in his eyes?? His head pounded and his legs shook, but he was determined to keep running. He could see the destination in the distance, he had to keep going.

_Left, right, left, right._

Finally, he reached the top of a building. Seungmin let himself drop onto his back, panting heavily. He always knew he wasn’t the most athletic, but he didn’t know that it got _this_ bad. Ever since he parted with Hyunjin, he lost the motivation to get up and move.

Speaking of Hyunjin, he finally caught up to him. He too flopped onto the cold, hard stone beneath them. The two lay there for a while, letting their bodies rest. Eventually, Seungmin sat up and spoke first:

“Remember how we first met?” He asked him casually as if they were still good friends. Hyunjin replied with “Mm,” but sounded unsure. “Jinnie? Remember? At school?” Seungmin pressed, gently elbowing the elder. Hyunjin suppressed a warm smile at the nickname, closed his eyes, and tried to recall how it happened:

_“Ya,” Hyunjin said, tapping a younger-looking boy on the back not-so-lightly, “This seat empty?” He motioned towards the chair beside the younger, but he didn’t look up from his thick book. Hyunjin frowned and furrowed his eyebrows, displeased. Without further thought, he snatched the book away, causing the once-reading boy to look up at him with a confused expression. “Hm?” He blinked, looking unamused. “Is. This. Seat. Empty.” Hyunjin repeated himself, jabbing the poor chair. “Uh, yeah?” He mumbled, saying nothing more. The second he heard the “yeah,” Hyunjin plopped down onto the chair and flung the book back at him._

_“So, what’s your name?” He asked, poking the boy beside him. “Kim Seungmin,” he replied, sounding a bit more enthusiastic than before. “Okay Seungmin, I’m Hyunjin! Hwang Hyunjin,” he grinned at Seungmin, who held out his hand for a handshake. His grin disappeared. “Aww dude, you still do that? So uncool,” Hyunjin muttered with a cheeky eyeroll, then playfully punched him in the shoulder. Seungmin gave him a look and the other said, “It’s a bro-punch. Cool, right? It’s so much better than a handshake; like man, are you a grandpa or something? No one handshakes anymore these days.”_

_Seungmin ignored him, so Hyunjin tried to start a conversation again. “I kissed boys before,” he boasted randomly, making an attempt to puff out his chest. “On the lips!” He specified, glancing at the other for any reaction. Seungmin blinked again, then leaned forwards and_ kissed _Hyunjin on the lips. “Now I have, too!” He exclaimed, unbothered by the fact that Hyunjin was blushing a deep shade of red in front of him._

_That was the start of a beautiful friendship_

The current Hyunjin opened his eyes and took a deep breath. “I remember,” he said finally, his lips forming a small smile, “So, are we still friends now?” Seungmin answered quickly, “Nah.” Hyunjin froze from the certainty in his voice, then countered, “What d’you mean?? We- we’ve literally _fucked_ before! How are we not friends??”

“That was before, don’t you understand?” Seungmin said coldly, glaring at him. “What??” Hyunjin sputtered, desperate to make a point, “I- I’ve sucked your dick before!” The other raised his eyebrow at him, but he continued before Seungmin could say anything. “You’ve sucked mine too! My dick has been in your ass!”

“Okay…?” Seungmin muttered, unable to see his point, “You just like sex, don’t you?” The elder boy flushed pink immediately but quickly replied, “H-Hey! Don’t make me out to be that kind of person!” The younger said with a shrug, “Well, that’s basically all you’ve mentioned, so I don’t have anything else to judge.”

“But just admit it! You liked sleeping with me, right??” Hyunjin was out of things to say. “Mhm, yeah,” Seungmin admitted, the least bit embarrassed. “See?!” Hyunjin pointed out, a bit flustered that he had nothing else to counter with. “So? All of that has just become a part of the past. And soon, I will be too.” Seungmin finally declared, standing up.

"S-Seungmin?" Hyunjin asked in a broken whisper, "What do you mean? What are you doing??" The other sighed, but thankfully looked back at him. "You leave me with no choice but to do this." Panic overtook Hyunjin, and a string of random words flew from his mouth, but that didn’t stop Seungmin.

“Hyunjin-hyung,” he started, letting a faint smile form on his face to lighten the mood. Seungmin took a few wobbly steps towards the edge and turned around to say, “I’ll miss you.”

Those were the last three words from Seungmin before he closed his eyes and leant over the edge of the building, enough to fall off.

Hyunjin was too late.

“NO!” He yelled, scrambling to his feet and running towards the boy. But he was just a second too late.

All he could do was watch his reason for living slowly tumble off the edge and fall to his death.

If Seungmin was gone, then Hyunjin might as well be too.

**Author's Note:**

> wooo hey!!
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter (yes, there's more!) of seungjin just being seungjin i guess? honestly this low-key was a vent fic for me and i didn't plan on publishing it but then i thought i might as well so i tried adding some humour and/or *interesting* moments so that it wouldn't be too boring haha :")  
> sorry for the horrible quality of this fic!! like i said, i wasn't thinking about publishing it so half of it is still in draft form T__T and sorry for any grammar and/or spelling mistakes *sobs* argh i use 'and/or' too much don't i T__T  
> now also, i know i said there are more chapters ahead, so you're probably thinking, "omg so seungmin's still alive? did he survive the fall??" hmm, good guess, but is that really the case? 🤔 i won't spoil anything, but please leave what you think down in the comments! (≧▽≦)  
> i'll probably be pretty slow with updating as i'm swamped with work but at least it'll give you time to think about the story haha~  
> as always, thank you so so much for reading and have a wonderful day or night! leave a kudo if you want :))
> 
> melon <3


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